Hey wait, let yourself hesitate and I will take the time

cause it’s just like you to try running the first time that you stand

why don’t you slow down child, let me take your hand

and I will walk with you a while, you can talk to me

never mind how long it has been

I see the stories in your eyes, the untold mystery with no disguise

cause it’s through the surface that I see

And I watch the anger blow you, pull you, drag you to your knees

why don’t you let me ease your mind?

and you can rest in me a while, you can talk to me

Don’t you see how much you matter to me?

But you’ll figure it out

Every day’s another trial,

every road is adding miles to you

and I’m praying for you to see you’re free

can’t you see you’re free to be free from everything

and you can rest, rest with me a while

you can talk to me, never mind how long it has been

you’ll figure it out

-Jill Paquette/ favorite song ever

All that to say I’ve had scarcely enough quiet time to keep me sane, let alone think up things to share with others.  Sorry :)

In the middle of all the change and noise in our lives right now, I am so very glad to know God is unchanging.  When I am searching desperately for his face, and straining to hear his still, quiet voice, it’s not because he has moved away or has chosen not to speak to me.  I have learned to hear his voice in the extended times alone with him.  Now he has led me into another place.  Only he knows how long he will have me journey here, but it is legitimately more busy.  I am needing to learn to remove myself from the busyness to go away with Him.  To hear his voice again.  To know him, and to be reminded he knows me.  Right now I don’t have the luxury of being alone most of the time, but he still can be known.  He has not changed.

So I’ll probably say some dumb things. Feel free to challenge my theology, just please have a little grace for me. If you’re mean I might cry. You won’t see it; just my cats will, and I’ll get over it, but you wouldn’t want to do that, would you? I didn’t think so. Thanks.

Meg

I realize there is probably something wrong with me, but if so I welcome being messed up.  I would much prefer it to the perfection of having my house with lawn mowed diagonally in two directions (brooke and jeff that one’s for you :), perfect wardrobe of only the latest styles (though I confess I am a sucker for clothing), pantry stocked with one to two of every item I might possibly desire at any given time (though I really love to eat- a lot), 2.4 children who attend Christian school and can recite half the Bible but have no idea what it means to actually live out what they spout off (though my daughter goes to a great Christian school and I work there- we love it!).  I guess the point is that despite how much I enjoy all the comforts, blessings and luxuries that are ours, they feel so empty compared to a life that has very little of those comforts but is infused with life at every turn…

Just some stuff off the top of my heart tonight…

*Addendum- I hope this didn’t sound like I think I’m “above” the way anyone else lives.  That isn’t my heart about things at all, and I’m absolutely certain that there are many many people called to live out their faith in the middle of our culture.  I only hoped to communicate the desire I believe God has given me for something other than that.  And that’s it :)

-Meg

That disclaimer having been made…  He has certainly given me an interesting story- one I would never in a million years have chosen for myself.  The details of the journey matter little for the purposes of this blog, but suffice it to say that the path has often been difficult and painful, more emotionally so than physically.  I lost my reputation, my hope, my dreams.  He has allowed many things I would not have chosen, but they have shaped me in such a way that having been through them, I would not go back and change them if I had the choice to do so.  These trials burn away everything from our hearts that does not belong, until we are made holy as He is holy.

Paul explains why much better than I do in this excerpt from his letter to the Corinthian church…

¹⁶So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. ¹⁷For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, ¹⁸as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (II Corinthians 4:16-18)

This passage speaks to me about a thread that has run through my story, and I bet if you were honest it’s in yours too:  It’s a whisper that says to look beyond what your see before you.  Lift up your eyes, over these troubles.  Watch as their weight begins to lighten in view of the hope of the eternal glory that is ours, thanks to Jesus.  He has purchased our freedom, and as painful as these trials are, they WILL fade in comparison when we are finally freed of the pain of this life, freed to the eternal glory of remaining in his presence forever!

Also, for those of us who are living and breathing, we are still in the middle of the story of our lives. The climax is yet to come. But that’s another subject…

Last summer someone told me I ought to tell my story more often. I don’t too often. Occasionally I have felt some reason I could or should be very open about things, but for the most part if a person has only known me for the last couple of years they would have no idea how I got from point A to point D… or even what point A was.

I’m not convinced it matters. My story has no redemptive power for anyone else. The only reason I feel it warrants telling is that it is a retelling of our saviour’s story of redemption. A variation on His theme of redemption, if you will, just as the story he will write in each of our lives is a re-proclaiming of his redemptive power.

So, this is an experiment :)

I don’t really know where to start. The beginning seems a bit boring, but I’m not much of a storyteller so I should probably keep it simple. I have been a follower of Christ since I was 5 years old. I have loved Jesus as long as I can remember and there never was a time when I decided to screw him over and do whatever the heck I wanted. So there you have it- for those of you wondering how I turned out to be a single mom, that isn’t the reason.

I grew up reading books like Elizabeth Elliot’s Through Gates of Splendor

Baptism in Tamala, Mexico

But as I grew up a little more, I guess I began to think dreams of that kind of life were somewhat unrealistic. I tried to figure out something more feasible to do with my life. I graduated high school and started school at the local community college. I was going to get a nursing degree because it made the most sense. I was pretty miserable that first year out of school. I had wanted to go away to school, but just couldn’t afford it. I began looking for ways to love the life I was living rather than always hoping for something that seemed to be so far out of reach that I would never attain it.

I really didn’t do anything crazy or morally questionable, but I did meet someone who made life seem exciting again. I was very young and sheltered, and not knowing or believing things could actually go bad, I married this guy at 19. I thought my dreams had come true- I was going to have a house with a white picket fence and 5 children. He was going to become a pastor and all would be right in the world. So I thought.

Shortly afterward I began to learn that a drug addiction from a person’s past did not simply disappear. And my world quickly began to crumble around me. I don’t know what it is like to live through such a thing for someone to whom divorce has become almost normal, but I had no framework for this. And certainly I, the good, sweet, Jesus-loving, church going little girl, was immune to divorce-right? I did not know a heart could be so broken as mine was in the days, weeks and months after I told the man I promised to love for better or for worse, richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health that he could not continue doing the things he was doing and living with us. And he left. And never came back.

I am glad to say that what felt like the utter end of the story to me was only the beginning…

More later, when I figure out what else to say

I didn’t want to call them. I would have rather the car just miraculously started working again. I was brave while they were there, but when they left, I lost it for a little while. It’s just a car, but we depend on that car for a lot! It takes us the 30 minutes to and from work every day, and to church, which is partly just because I want to be there and partly work too. I can’t afford not to work. I have rent and health insurance and car insurance and an electric bill and groceries to buy! And as awesome as it is to be finally out of debt, I’ve blown my meager savings to get there. So I don’t have any money to get the car fixed.

The truth is, I put on a brave face in front of people, but when I’m alone with God- with whom I can be completely honest, whether it’s pretty or not- I am scared to death. I KNOW I’m not able to make it on my own efforts. And I’ve got someone who is completely dependent upon me for everything she has. I still have the nagging feeling that if I don’t make it on my own, no one else will ever help me, and that that’s the way it’s supposed to be. But THAT is the lie.

And while I know the truth, I need to KNOW the truth:

Every good and perfect gift comes from above from my father
“I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

And so many more. And while he is everything that any of us need, we twist that when we start to think he isn’t going to move on our behalf through others.

So far today, I’m doing much better trusting him with whatever comes my way. But I haven’t left my house yet and a little later today I’m expecting a diagnosis and quote from the mechanic. It’s then that I will need to choose again to trust that he will take care of us. And He will. He is faithful and keeps his promises. And just maybe he will do that through you for someone today.

I’m still hoping for a minor fix- otherwise I might just sell everything and move to nowhere, plant a garden, and live off of that. Forget cars, they are too much trouble. :)

Wait

If I could just wait
in the presence of the Lord
If I could be still
and know that you are God
If I could just hold back my tongue
and listen to your voice
If I could just wait
in the presence of the Lord

Wait on the Lord; wait and be still
until you’re secure, and his hand you can feel

Wait at his feet and gaze into his eyes
until love swallows fear and his heart becomes mine

Won’t you wait, wait on the Lord

You will mount up as eagles
You will be renewed with strength
You will run and not grow weary; you will walk and not faint
for those who wait…

This is one of those songs you sing to your soul, at least I do. Like David telling his sould to rejoice in his God, I tell my soul to STOP fretting, stop working things out in my own mind, STOP THINKING THAT i HAVE GOT TO GET THIS WHOLE THING RIGHT OR EVERYTHING WILL COME TO RUINS. Just stop, kneel down before him. Quiet your mouth and listen to him. Look up from your life and gaze into His eyes. And the fears, the worries, the cares, the pain wash away in the light of His incredible beauty and love.

Last year I had very specific goals, and as I’m trying to remember what they all were, I think they all were financially related in some way. I had finally, just finished nursing school. My first goal was to get on a budget. The thought of that made me cringe… but in living out that budget, I found out that it wasn’t so bad after all! In fact, the peace of mind in knowing that there was enough money at the end of the month to pay all the bills was worth every bit of the sweat that went into worrying if I of all people could manage to stick to it.

And speaking of bills… the next goal was to (again, finally) get my own place to live. I did that in March. It was about time. I think Mom was going to kill me, or I was going to kill her, if I hadn’t. Trust me, two adult women should not be trying to raise families in the same 1600 square feet. Unless absolutely necessary! And it really was necessary for the time we did it. Thank you Mom and Dad- I will be forever grateful for how you helped me make it through nursing school and all the many other things that included!!! Can’t say that enough for sure. So I learned how to make it on my own, pay the bills, etc.

Then came the big one that had been looming over my head for the past four years or so. The paying off of all the debt. This one was hard. Really hard. Because this was money I let someone else spend in my name, and I got stuck with the bill. I didn’t even get cool stuff to show for it. But as most lessons learned the hard way, this is one that will stick with me for pretty much the rest of my life- credit cards are NOT your friend, bill collectors WILL HUNT YOU DOWN, and you shouldn’t buy it anyway if you don’t have the money to pay for it! This one required a lot of sacrifice. That nice big tax refund I got? It stayed in my bank account for approximately 9 days. Then it was dispersed; gone, but not forgotten. The retirement account I’d been putting money into… it went to the same place. But it was more than worth letting it slip through my fingers because FINALLY I wouldn’t have to worry about an awkward conversation if I answered a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize. Finally, I wouldn’t have to give the sob story- I’m sorry, I’m a single mother, trying to get through college. I’ll call you when I’m done and I have a job which will actually earn enough money to pay you. Yay!! Freedom. Peace.

I think there were more, but I can’t remember them at the moment.

What I think is ironic- or just really cool- is a prayer this man I didn’t even know prayed over me the year before. He asked God to give me a year of financial abundance. I thought it was really random at the time. He didn’t know me, didn’t know my story, and that’s what he chose to pray for me. And then, bam- God did it! haha. There is absolutely NO WAY I could have met those goals, even for a month. If you doubt it, you don’t know me :) My favorite thing to do is shop! Well, except for drinking coffee. But even then, I can put down some money for a grande mocha frappuccino with an extra shot. I think that spelling is wrong, but you get the point. I may have discipline in my life in other areas, but in finances I definitely did not.

Then, in July, I got a phone call from the school director at Eagles Nest, asking me to consider coming on to be the school nurse. It was a dream come true, an answer to many tears and anguished prayers about how crazy stressful 12 hour shifts in the ER was making it impossible to have a normal life with Gracey. But it was a substantial pay cut. And yet again, my Father gave me the grace to do it. He is the one sustaining us! It was a scary decision, but at the same time I knew it was him and that he had heard the cry of my heart. And that he could be trusted. So we did it, and now we spend every day together! If I have to work to provide for my family, THIS is the way I want to do it.

Then I went to Nicaragua on a medical mission trip in September. This has been a difficult thing, because it has relit the hunger in my heart to just GO, to take the gospel to the farthest away, to hold orphaned children, to leave behind all the STUFF that feels like it keeps me from living the life I always dreamed of- abandoning self and just being poured out. It was easier when that desire had been put to sleep. But now it’s awakening from slumber. There’s so much more to this, but it’s hard to put into words.

That brings us up to this year. It’s really hard to set goals for this year. I know for one that I need to put my budget on a budget. I’m not sure how I’m gonna do that- I might have to not buy myself any new clothes for a year. I might cry about that. hahaha. And then I will cry that I’m being so shallow as to be moved to tears over such frivolity. But other than that, I don’t really know what this next year looks like. There is so much promise as these deep hidden desires are re-awakening, and nothing is really concrete. And I’ve heard Him say “wait.” If you know me, you know that aside from not spending money, waiting is about as frustrating as it gets for me. My first nature is to act on an idea as soon as I decide it’s a good one. Because you might lose the chance if you don’t do something about it, right? Well, no- not in this Kingdom. Here, it’s not up to us to make good happen. It’s up to the one from whom all good things come. And my greatest purpose in life is not to live the amazing, adventured filled life I want to live. It’s in bringing honor to him, even as I delight myself in discovering that he is wonderful and kind and loving and good.

Now this has become ridiculously long, and I’ve said alot, all to tell you that I’m learning it’s not about what I do or what goals I set or even self discipline. Thanks to our savior, for one who starts out trying to always “get it right,” you can discover that getting it right isn’t the point, and isn’t all that necessary. It’s about love- the incredible, unchangable, unstoppable, never giving up love of a Father for his children. The love that concquers our fears. It’s about trust- the trust of a child for her father, whom she knows can handle whatever comes around, and whom she knows loves her completely. That’s what it’s all about, come whatever may. And I’m so glad it is!

But what about you? What did your year hold? In all the living out your doing in your life, what is your Father whispering to you? What dreams is he stirring in your heart?

#1 God has given me a job that allows me to be with my daughter every day. I can be the one to take her to school in the morning; I can kiss her in the cafeteria at lunch time; I can bring her home in the evening and we have dinner together; I am the one to tuck her into bed, talk with her about her day, and pray with her- every night. This is priceless to me, and for it I am most thankful.

#2 I am finally, 100%, completely out of debt! I may be broke as can be, but I am not putting payments or purchases on a credit card and I am not dodging bill collector phone calls. Praise God for giving me a way out of financial prison! It was a difficult climb out, but so very worth it.

#3 I am so very thankful for my family. We had Thanksgiving dinner together last night, and I reflected on how precious each and every one of them are to me. And we will be adding two to our numbers this year when my sister and brother get married! Their fiancees are perfect for them and I am so glad they will be joining us :)

…there is plenty more I am thankful for but these are the top 3 this year. What do you have to be most thankful for?